The Revolving Door of Narcissism

 Al Ritter

Sadly almost everyone will come in contact with a Narcissist in life, whether it be in the form of a spouse, a parent, a boss, or even a neighbor. Wading through that relationship can feel like tiptoeing through a mine field in the dark.

For those who have never encountered a Narcissist let me explain, a Narcissist is a person who has a grandiose feeling of superiority and dominance over their victims. To accomplish that task they use several different attacks but it usually starts out surprisingly enough with adoration of their new victim. Usually showering them with compliments that seem not only out of place but extremely over the top. This is not to say that anyone who compliments you is a Narcissist but overly complimenting you should raise a red flag. Usually they are good at slowly taking you in at first but increasing their tactics over time, so you rarely see it coming.

Intuition is the single biggest attribute that the victim must listen to. If you feel something is not quite right or off you shouldn’t dismiss it. As humans we have this sixth sense that alerts us to the possible dangers we may encounter with certain people, not all of these people will be Narcissists but we are able to pick and choose who to interact with. There is no written code saying that you must accept everyone equally.

The next biggest item a Narcissist uses is gaslighting (coined from a 1944 movie called Gaslight.) This a form of Psychological abuse aimed at making the victim question their own sanity. When used over an extended period of time it has a devastating effect on the victim. I would highly recommend watching the movie to get a better idea as to its power.

Degrees of Narcissism is on a sliding 21 level scale as has varied nuances. One Psychologist states that a normal person works daily to improve themselves and to become a better person. The Narcissist only works to hone their skills to the next level. Narcissists never heal naturally, they only get worse through time. It takes a month and sometimes years for a mental health professional to make a formal diagnosis, so as you can imagine full diagnosis is pretty rare especially because they never seek treatment on their own. Understand that Narcissism is the gateway to both Sociopathy and Psychopathy.

The mental health community says that up to 6 % of the population is Narcissistic not including the recent increase of entitlement by Millennials and Gen Zers. Some say the overall increase may double in the next decade.

Navigating the waters with a Narcissist differs with what type of relationship you have with them. Certainly you would deal with a boss differently than you would with a spouse, parent, or child. The main thing a Narcissist needs is what they call “supply.” The more supply you feed them the more power they have over you. They seek dominance and power so anything you say or do contrary to that end goal will put you in their crosshairs. They don’t strictly see your adoration, and approval of them as their supply. ANY interaction is their supply even a screaming match. It’s like the proverbial fisherman sinking the hook. Once hooked they play with you like a toy is if poking your emotions with a stick.

Most everyone has certain boundaries that we say can never be crossed, but a Narcissist is an expert at making you stretch your boundaries to suit themselves. Understand though, a Narcissist has no boundaries and never has. They will push and push your buttons just for the response regardless if it’s good or bad. It’s the back and forth they enjoy not particularly the subject matter.

They are emotional vampires, they want you to react to them through emotion because their actions are a result of emotion rather than logic, and they want you to be just like them. NEVER share an emotional weakness with them, it WILL come back to haunt you!

They view themselves as the puppet masters because nobody is as smart, or as informed as they are and everyone else is beneath them and must conform to their view. Rules, laws and regulations were never made for them, there is nothing they won’t do to accomplish their goal. Remember they have NO boundaries.

Projection: Another tactic they use. You will often see them accusing you of the very things they are doing to you or claiming shortcomings in your character which are actually their own shortcomings. Accusations are normally confessions with a Narcissist.

Anyone who has endured the scars of a spousal relationship at the hands if a Narcissist will carry those scars for life. Sadly it places a certain amount of cynicism in their nature as they try to move on in life.

As a victim of a Narcissistic spousal relationship it took me over a year to finally regain my self- esteem. Not only did I have to rebuild my self-worth I had to modify how I reacted to the common triggers she used to use, because I didn’t want to bring that behavior into a new relationship. Recovery from an abusive relationship is tough but the scars always remain.

Personally I had put a lot of those scars to bed over the 20 years since the divorce, but sadly now that abusive behavior has been introduced into my life again. I can’t make a diagnosis of another abuser as being a Narcissist but I certainly see the same traits emerge that were present with my ex, except this one is more dangerous.

The only true way to be done with a Narcissist is remove their supply, and to do that you must cut off ANY and ALL communication. I suppose I was a little slow on the uptake of the signs with this one, but it’s all coming back now both in how to deal with him and cutting off his supply. I have severed all communication but things get tough when they use a lawyers as their own weapon of lies and deceit.

Once they see you as a liability they will seek out one or more backups for their supply just waiting in the wings for their signal to join in the dysfunction. 

I suppose I’m feeling a degree of PTSD from this latest encounter, but hopefully I can work through it.

Understand that although they project an air of perfection they in fact are tortured souls deep down, they are all insecure at heart.

I’ll leave you with one thing. I once heard a saying that pertains to this discussion; “Never wrestle with a pig in the mud because he will just enjoy it and you will just get dirty.”

Watch this video for an in depth analysis from Dr. Ramani:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGgVBOH19vQ