Helping Non-Progressive Democrats Save Their Jobs

Helping Non-Progressive Democrats Save Their Jobs
Kevin Bryant

Now that you have finally taken your eyes off the title, I bet you are still asking yourself: “Why would he want to save their jobs”? This is easy. If they follow my very simple and painless advice, We the People win.

For those democrats in congress who have not sold their souls to the progressive dark side yet, this is for you.

The town hall meetings some of you attended last summer wasn’t a fun thing for you, was it? Many of you met resistance like you have never felt before. America has not forgotten that you are selling us down the river for an idea that just doesn’t work when it comes to health care or cap and trade or just spending in general.

Now you are faced with losing your seat in congress. You can not vote in favor of Obamacare and retain your seat. You don’t want to face the prospect of having Nancy and Harry beating you up for voting against it so here is an idea that might serve your purpose. Don’t Vote. Legislation brought up for a vote has a time limit for voting. Just be absent. Don’t show up on those days. Kids skip school, workers call in sick when they aren’t, who says you can’t miss a day. And in the end, healthcare is defeated once and for all, you get to retain your seat in congress and can continue to paint the republican side as the Party of No.

Here are a few examples to help you. All of these have been used by workers and students. Some with success and some not, but think of them as blueprints for helping you make up your own excuse:

My husband thinks it's funny to hide my car keys before he goes to work.

My heat was shut off, so I had to stay home to keep my snake warm.

A gurney fell out of an ambulance and delayed traffic.

I walked into a spider web on the way out the door and couldn't find the spider, so I had to go inside and shower again.

My father didn't wake me up.

I got locked in my trunk by my son.

My left turn signal was out, so I had to make all right turns to get to work.

I was attacked by a raccoon and had to stop by the hospital to make sure it wasn't rabid.

A groundhog bit my bike tire and made it flat.

I feel like I'm in everyone's way if I show up on time.

My driveway washed away in the rain last night.

I had to go to bingo.

I didn't want to lose the parking space in front of my house.

I hit a turkey while riding a bike.

I had a heart attack early that morning, but I am "all better now."

I donated too much blood.

My dog was stressed out after a family reunion.

I was kicked by a deer.

I contracted mono after kissing a mailroom intern at the company holiday party, and I suggest the company post some sort of notice to warn others who may have kissed him.

I swallowed too much mouthwash.

My wife burned all my clothes and I have nothing to wear to work.

My toe was injured when a soda can fell out of the refrigerator.

I was up all night because the police were investigating the death of someone discovered behind my house.

My psychic told me to stay home.

My dog dialed 911, and the police wanted to question me about what "really" happened.

A raccoon stole my work shoe off my porch.

I tasted some dog food because the dog was not feeling well and now I'm sick.

My chickens' feet were frozen to the driveway.

While at a circus, a tiger urinated on my ear, causing an ear infection.

My son tried to flush our ferret down the toilet and I needed to tend to the ferret.

I ran over a goat.

I was walking my dog, slipped on a toad in my driveway and hurt my back.

I was sprayed by a skunk.

I was spit on by a venomous snake.

I totaled my wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.

In order to pull this off, this requires a talent that each and every one of you have demonstrated a great gift for having over most of your political careers, an ability to lie with a straight face and the ability to think up creative ways to lie. It shouldn’t be too hard. And the best part is, your constituents would not only forgive you for missing work that day, they would actually be grateful that you took a day off.