Al Ritter
Narcissism is more prevalent than most people think,
the conservative estimate now is that one out of every 6 people has
Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Those numbers seem to be climbing each year.
I constantly see articles and videos that claim “How
to beat a Narcissist,” or “How to live with a Narcissist,” even “How to
understand a Narcissist.”
I am here to tell you that with over 40 years’
experience with a Grandiose Narcissistic spouse and now a Malignant Narcissist
neighbor, those ideas fall on deaf ears with me.
It normally takes a while for you to see the habitual
lying, the constant gaslighting, the continual personal insults to see this for
what it is it is nothing more than mental abuse.
It took me years to put a name to it, but we are
talking 40 years ago, the beginning of the internet and a time where the words
Narcissistic Personality Disorder was still new in the field of Psychology.
I was first told about the disorder by a friend after
a lengthy discussion about my marriage. He listened patiently and after a few
hours he said to me, “I want you to research this term NPD, once you have done
it get back to me.”
Well this opened a whole new world to me, I was seeing
one tactic after another that a typical Narcissist uses. She had degraded,
lied, and gaslighted me almost our entire marriage. Back in that time chatrooms
were becoming a popular way of communicating with people of like interests on
the internet. I was shocked after joining one such group on Narcissism. I wasn’t
as shock by the subject matter than I was about how many people were in the
group….thousands!
I’ve written most of my life so I decided to keep a
journal and the subsequent progression of my marriage. I went for counseling
both marriage and individual for 7 years before the Psychiatrist said there
wasn’t anything else to see me for, but he wanted to see my spouse separately.
That was the end of that because in her eyes I was the one with problems not
her. I was now planning my escape.
Sadly I waited way to long but I made a pact with
myself that once our son graduated from college the marriage would be over. I
missed that goal by 3 weeks but it was finally done.
Because narcissists love the interaction, the back and
forth, so to speak. The interaction can mild or even screaming, but the
narcissist gets their “supply” from that interaction. If you refuse the supply
the rejection stage is just around the corner for you.
The only real way to get away from the Narcissist is
to cut off any and all communication. If you are dealing with a spouse and have
underage children that you share custody with only communicate in one form,
whether it be email or texts. Keep all communication to as few words as
possible and DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.
Don’t wait for years down the road to try to recall
certain incidents because over time those recollections will become clouded, it’s
just human nature. This documentation is really necessary because if you are
dealing with the legal system in any way, you will find out that Judges are
easily fooled by a Narcissist’s tactics in the beginning. Just remember how
long it took you to discover it. Month, date, time of day, and year in your
journal will show a judge your diligence and record keeping skills.
Please understand there is no such a thing as getting even with a Narcissist because they don't have the social restraints we have as normal people. There is nothing they won't do or boundary they won't cross to hurt you. We would never act the way they do because we have empathy and wouldn't want someone to do that to us. Never let a Narcissist know that their intimidation is working, even if it is causing you great mental anguish and anxiety. These are the very things they feed on and fear is one of those things.
In court keep as unemotional as possible and expect
the lies and accusations to come as they always do. Hire a lawyer that is
experienced in this type of behavior, but when interviewing them use catch
phrases such “supply” and “gaslighting” to see if they truly grasp the concept
otherwise the whole situation may be lost on them also. In your journal NEVER
mention the word Narcissism in any form as the court will see you as a self-professed
Psychiatrist, and that is the last thing you need.
One legal device they will used is “peace order” in
some states it’s a “restraining order” or even a “Domestic abuse order.” These
are what is called Ex parte orders and require no proof to be enacted it is
merely the petitioner’s complaint against you. They are about $100 to execute
and could cost you a lot of money for legal representation on your part. The
court doesn’t wait around to enact these ex parte orders. From inception to
court date is 6 days in my state.
It would be wise to have a lawyer ready on your side
to defend you in the possibility of such charges. Once heard in court the judge
will normally extend the temporary order to a period of 6 months of no contact.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that will be the end of the peace order
either. The Malignant Narcissist will probably send you threatening letters
through his attorney claiming yet more lies about how you violated the peace
order and will file a contempt of court petition, to which you will have to
respond with an attorney once again.
Now if you defend yourself well and your attorney represented
you perfectly and the contempt of court petition was denied, it still doesn’t
mean the end of it. The petitioner has 30 days to apply for an appeal. If the
appeal is granted the case will now go from district court to circuit court and
be heard all over again as if the original peace order never happened.
Sadly this how our court systems work. I my case the
peace order has now expired and we are once again on hold awaiting his
application for appeal. As you can see this can be a revolving door for a lying
Narcissist and a legal nightmare for the victim.
In conclusion there is only one way to deal with a
Narcissist and that is to severe all contact PERIOD! Eventually they will see
that you no longer give them the supply they need and they will move on to a
new victim that they already have waiting in the wings. There is no way to “win”
here only to survive. Try to keep your emotions in check and understand they
are the ones who lack empathy, morals, and respect for anything. It is up to
you to keep your sanity through this tough journey, just know that there is a
light at the end of the tunnel and it’s not always an oncoming train. Treat
yourself well!
Watch a video on getting even with a Narcissist:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUMzUgFLRtE&t=708s