Tips for Dealing with Narcissists

Al Ritter

Narcissism is more prevalent than most people think, the conservative estimate now is that one out of every 6 people has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Those numbers seem to be climbing each year.

I constantly see articles and videos that claim “How to beat a Narcissist,” or “How to live with a Narcissist,” even “How to understand a Narcissist.”

I am here to tell you that with over 40 years’ experience with a Grandiose Narcissistic spouse and now a Malignant Narcissist neighbor, those ideas fall on deaf ears with me.

It normally takes a while for you to see the habitual lying, the constant gaslighting, the continual personal insults to see this for what it is it is nothing more than mental abuse.

It took me years to put a name to it, but we are talking 40 years ago, the beginning of the internet and a time where the words Narcissistic Personality Disorder was still new in the field of Psychology.

I was first told about the disorder by a friend after a lengthy discussion about my marriage. He listened patiently and after a few hours he said to me, “I want you to research this term NPD, once you have done it get back to me.”

Well this opened a whole new world to me, I was seeing one tactic after another that a typical Narcissist uses. She had degraded, lied, and gaslighted me almost our entire marriage. Back in that time chatrooms were becoming a popular way of communicating with people of like interests on the internet. I was shocked after joining one such group on Narcissism. I wasn’t as shock by the subject matter than I was about how many people were in the group….thousands!

I’ve written most of my life so I decided to keep a journal and the subsequent progression of my marriage. I went for counseling both marriage and individual for 7 years before the Psychiatrist said there wasn’t anything else to see me for, but he wanted to see my spouse separately. That was the end of that because in her eyes I was the one with problems not her. I was now planning my escape.

Sadly I waited way to long but I made a pact with myself that once our son graduated from college the marriage would be over. I missed that goal by 3 weeks but it was finally done.

Because narcissists love the interaction, the back and forth, so to speak. The interaction can mild or even screaming, but the narcissist gets their “supply” from that interaction. If you refuse the supply the rejection stage is just around the corner for you.

The only real way to get away from the Narcissist is to cut off any and all communication. If you are dealing with a spouse and have underage children that you share custody with only communicate in one form, whether it be email or texts. Keep all communication to as few words as possible and DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.

Don’t wait for years down the road to try to recall certain incidents because over time those recollections will become clouded, it’s just human nature. This documentation is really necessary because if you are dealing with the legal system in any way, you will find out that Judges are easily fooled by a Narcissist’s tactics in the beginning. Just remember how long it took you to discover it. Month, date, time of day, and year in your journal will show a judge your diligence and record keeping skills.

Please understand there is no such a thing as getting even with a Narcissist because they don't have the social restraints we have as normal people. There is nothing they won't do or boundary they won't cross to hurt you. We would never act the way they do because we have empathy and wouldn't want someone to do that to us. Never let a Narcissist know that their intimidation is working, even if it is causing you great mental anguish and anxiety. These are the very things they feed on and fear is one of those things.

In court keep as unemotional as possible and expect the lies and accusations to come as they always do. Hire a lawyer that is experienced in this type of behavior, but when interviewing them use catch phrases such “supply” and “gaslighting” to see if they truly grasp the concept otherwise the whole situation may be lost on them also. In your journal NEVER mention the word Narcissism in any form as the court will see you as a self-professed Psychiatrist, and that is the last thing you need.

One legal device they will used is “peace order” in some states it’s a “restraining order” or even a “Domestic abuse order.” These are what is called Ex parte orders and require no proof to be enacted it is merely the petitioner’s complaint against you. They are about $100 to execute and could cost you a lot of money for legal representation on your part. The court doesn’t wait around to enact these ex parte orders. From inception to court date is 6 days in my state.

It would be wise to have a lawyer ready on your side to defend you in the possibility of such charges. Once heard in court the judge will normally extend the temporary order to a period of 6 months of no contact. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that will be the end of the peace order either. The Malignant Narcissist will probably send you threatening letters through his attorney claiming yet more lies about how you violated the peace order and will file a contempt of court petition, to which you will have to respond with an attorney once again.

Now if you defend yourself well and your attorney represented you perfectly and the contempt of court petition was denied, it still doesn’t mean the end of it. The petitioner has 30 days to apply for an appeal. If the appeal is granted the case will now go from district court to circuit court and be heard all over again as if the original peace order never happened.

Sadly this how our court systems work. I my case the peace order has now expired and we are once again on hold awaiting his application for appeal. As you can see this can be a revolving door for a lying Narcissist and a legal nightmare for the victim.

In conclusion there is only one way to deal with a Narcissist and that is to severe all contact PERIOD! Eventually they will see that you no longer give them the supply they need and they will move on to a new victim that they already have waiting in the wings. There is no way to “win” here only to survive. Try to keep your emotions in check and understand they are the ones who lack empathy, morals, and respect for anything. It is up to you to keep your sanity through this tough journey, just know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it’s not always an oncoming train. Treat yourself well!

Watch a video on getting even with a Narcissist:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUMzUgFLRtE&t=708s